No major developments to report today.  I woke up with a nasty cough and laryngitis this morning and got to feeling more and more fluish as the day wore on; I’ve had something coming on for a few days but had hoped it would go away if I ignored it.  Not so.  So unfortunately, I can’t even go visit Michael in the hospital now.  I was looking forward to taking the kids to see him today – which I think would do both them and him a world of good – now that he’s out of ICU, but that plan went out the window.  So I stayed home and finished cleaning up the garage and feeling a little sorry for myself and for us.

When I talked to Michael last night, he had developed a low-grade fever.  When I talked to him first thing this morning, he sounded awful and said he was having trouble breathing.  I got really worried – did he have pneumonia now?  I swear, one of my biggest worries at this point is that he’s going to develop some secondary infection or illness just by virtue of being in the hospital.  Anyway, I talked to his nurse later in the morning who told me that he is FINE, that his trouble breathing has to do with the pain from his incision.  She said he’s exactly on the path to recovery where they want him to be, so that was a relief.  I know they got him up and walking a little more today, so that’s good.  I’m so sad that he’s there alone with no visitors.  Apparently his doctor doesn’t think he’ll be home before Monday or Tuesday.

I miss him like crazy.  Even with a houseful of kids, there is a terrible Michael-shaped emptiness.  All the little things you take for granted become so magnified when they’re suddenly missing.  The kids miss him too and his absence is taking a toll on them.  I keep thinking about how Saturday started out as a pleasant, average Saturday.  We took the kids to the park in the morning, then I took Joey out for ice cream and sightseeing around town, Kevin went to a friend’s for a sleepover . . . never imagining that another smackdown was just around the corner.

We’ve had a tough time the last few months . . . coming back from cancer is harder and more complicated than a lot of people realize.  There have been a lot of factors putting a strain on things – health and financial concerns, depression and anxiety, conflict with extended family – and we’ve been faced with the fact that even the most solid of marriages stumble in the face of so much adversity.  We’ve only just started coming back from a pretty dark period, and now this, obviously a setback.  We’ll get through it, I know we will, but . . . well, it’s just hard.  Life is so unpredictable and often unfair.  I don’t want to crumble and become a bitter person.  I sometimes cry and throw my hands up and shake my fists at the injustice of it all, but I will not let myself lose sight of all we have to be thankful for.  Like friends who deliver food and flowers and booze to my house.  Seriously, so much love, so many good people.

We’ll get through this.

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One Comment on “Today”

  1. starrlife
    April 14, 2011 at 10:54 am #

    I hope your cold is better soon. It’s hard to live with simmering anxiety about health. Life is so full of twists and turns that come out of nowhere. Hugs.

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