Just when I thought menopause was around the corner (not that I was looking forward to it), I get knocked on my ass by a surprise pregnancy. Not that I won’t love this little bugger, but I still feel slightly horrified and terribly shocked. I’ve expected horror and judgment from other people as we’ve broken the news (after all, people – even strangers who weirdly think our reproductive plans are their business – have been saying to us “You’re done now, right?” and “You know what causes that, don’t you?” for years), but to my surprise, everybody has been nothing but supportive and congratulatory. Maybe they’re all just throwing their hands up in resignation and secretly thinking, “Man, those two are just never gonna stop, are they? Are they on some kind of mission or something?” Of course, lots and lots of people are also finding a certain comedy in suggesting the possibility of another set of twins. I don’t think this is funny. At all.
I think I’m about 7 weeks now. Of course, I can’t be sure, because I didn’t think there was any need whatsoever to keep track of things anymore, so this is just a semi-educated guess resulting from staring at the calendar in a semi-trance and muttering, “When . . . ? . . . How . . .?” I’ll be having an ultrasound in a few weeks which hopefully will fill in the blanks for us. I’ve gained about a pound, which means nothing since I fluctuate a pound in either direction anyway, but my clothes are getting a little snugger, and if past pregnancies are any indication, I won’t be able to stuff my ass into these jeans for much longer. I’m tired and cranky and often nauseous, so I guess this is the real thing.
Here are some things to consider if you, too, find yourself middle-aged and knocked up:
~ When you announce the news to your kids, you can expect a look from your fourteen-year old son that silently says, “Jesus! Haven’t you guys heard of birth control?!”
~ Pregnancy is not cute on someone with wrinkles.
~ You’re not glowing. You’re probably just red-hot pissed off.
~ They don’t make a middle-aged maternity clothing line.
~ You can still expect facially deforming zits. Which is not, in truth, any different from being middle-aged and having PMS.
~ You will be eligible to join AARP when this child enters kindergarten.
~ Pregnancy fat will soon fill out all those wrinkles! It’s like free collagen injections.
~ You can now blame all the aches and pains of middle-age on pregnancy.
~ You get an unexpected break from having periods while in your mid-forties. Yay! You’ll still be bitchy, but people will tend to be more sympathetic to you.
~ Really, what difference does it make what kind of maternity clothes you wear? Nobody cares how you dress these days anyway. You’re past your prime. Which actually gives you some latitude you didn’t have as a fresh, young thang.
~ This is an excellent tool to embarrass your teenage son. Plan to show up at his high school and approach him in a crowd of his friends when you are about eight months pregnant. He might pretend not to know you, but keep saying, “Honey, let’s go, I’m going to be late for my pregnancy appointment!”
~ It actually might work as superb birth control for your teenage son!
~ Boobs, glorious boobs! They will be yours once again!