Your fearless commentator is back, tackling the topics nice bloggers won’t touch. In the past I’ve brought you Feminine Products, Bra Buying, Men’s Underwear, and of course, the never-popular anti-God rants. Now I bring you my in-depth analysis of women’s underwear. You’re already riveted, aren’t you?
While I am no panty aficionado, for as long as I can remember, a quality panty has been a priority to me – ever since I was a wee girl and I had wee panties with the days of the week stitched onto them.
I loved those! And that’s what I was raised on: traditional bikini panties. I wore them well into adulthood, until I became professionally employed and was required to dress up in office attire every day, and suddenly I became conscious of panty lines.
Ugh. Really unattractive, am I right?
This was a fairly easy fix, because at the time women were still expected to wear pantyhose to the office (does anyone under 70 still wear pantyhose?). So I just nixed the panties and let my pantyhose serve double duty. However, under casual wear, this wasn’t an option, and I’ll be honest: commando – especially under jeans? No thank you. For some reason, I have this suspicion that denim seams would not be so forgiving on the pink parts. Ouch.
That was when I discovered thongs. Previously only for hookers and sluts, thongs were becoming widely acceptable in the ’90s for us average, upstanding girls. Initially the thought of having a slice of fabric nestled in the ol’ butt crack did not appeal, but I found that in reality, it’s not even noticeable. I became a Thong Convert. Comfortable, shields the girl parts from harsh seams, and most importantly, no dreaded panty lines! The next best thing to wearing nothing at all.
I’ve been a loyal thong wearer for over 15 years now. Sadly, however, I have been informed by my midwife that thongs are unhealthful. They promote UTIs (and I am prone to them, sooooo . . . ). Why? Well, that slice of fabric that nestles in the butt crack? It tends to slide, spreading cooties from one unmentionable part to another. Ick.
So I have spent the last few days on a Mission to Find the Perfect Panty to replace my beloved thongs. It’s actually sparked some very enlightening conversations with my lady friends, and it’s given me an excuse to go shopping.
Here’s what’s out there:
Briefs. I’ve never worn these, except perhaps a maternity version the first time I was pregnant. Nobody under the age of 70 should wear these. Seriously. Even on a hard body, they look like Grandma Underwear.
Cheekies. Really, that’s what they’re called. I never heard of these before I began this research project. Who wears these? And what is the point, except to say “Please do me. Now.”? Totally not functional, and I can’t imagine that anything that purposely rests halfway up the butt cheeks is comfortable. However, if you are a Victoria Secret model and can pull this off, more power to ya!
Hipsters. These are something of a panty-boy short hybrid. Cute. Not sure how functional or comfortable, as I didn’t try them. If the goal is to eliminate panty lines, I think a little more coverage is called for.
After extensive research and a lengthy survey on Facebook, I concluded that boy shorts might fit the bill: full coverage without being matronly, comfortable, no panty lines. Which ones though?
Victoria’s Secret boy shorts: didn’t like at all. Major creepage. Thumbs down.
Barely There boy shorts: didn’t like. Flimsy microfiber fabric, felt like wearing skimpy shorts made out of pantyhose. Plus creepage.
Maidenform Dream boy shorts: recommended by a friend who considers herself a Panty Expert. Really, really like them! Soft, comfy, excellent coverage. The true test: wearing under snug jeans. They do ride up a smidge with bending and moving around, but not terribly. No major panty lines. At $10 a pair, they’re a little on the pricey side. I bought several pairs and am keeping them.
Soma Intimates Vanishing Edge boy shorts: These are the winners! The secret is a light silicon line on the inside edge of each leg hole, preventing slippage and creepage. Super soft and comfy and attractive. They’re actually a little skimpier than the photo shows; they’re a lower rise in the waist and the ones I got don’t go down quite so far on the legs. The only drawback is the cost: at $15 a pair, they’re not cheap. But I found them on sale at the Soma Intimates store today at 5 pairs for the price of 3.
So there you go! You’re welcome.