A few days ago Michael announced to me that he had booked an 80-Minute Deluxe Swedish Massage for me at a local day spa with all the amenities. Yeah, he’s a keeper. I was both incredibly grateful (not only did he book it, but the appointment time he chose for me would necessitate my being out of the house during dinner and putting kids to bed – Hallelujah!), and somewhat guilty (did I mention it would mean his having to deal with dinner and bedtime on his own?).
In the end, I threw my cares to the wind, blowing kisses to my offspring as I left the house.
Here’s a recap of my 80-Minute Deluxe Swedish Massage:
Eighty minutes . . . that’s a loooong time. Damn, and that’s a lot of money! Okay, I’m not going to think about that. It’s only money. A week’s worth of groceries. A couple tanks of gas for my truck. Poof, all gone in eighty minutes. Okay, stop thinking about the money!
. . . I wonder how much whining and complaining about dinner I’m missing right about now . . . snicker . . . Ahhhh, okay, get undressed, climb on the table and slip under the sheet. Crap, my underwear are damp from sitting in that puddle next to the jacuzzi! Auuughh! Okay, do I tell the masseur that I sat in water by the jacuzzi, or will that make me seem unnecessarily defensive? Maybe better to not say anything . . . maybe she won’t notice. I mean, it’s not like she’s going to touch my butt. Right?
Oh yeah, and that jacuzzi. That felt so good, just my feet in. Isn’t it weird when you’re in a place like this and some chick comes prancing along all naked? And then it’s like, I don’t want to look, but you can’t help looking because it’s a NAKED person! So you just try to be cool and act like there’s not a naked person in the jacuzzi right in front of you, and they’re all acting like they’re not naked . . . but no naked person today! Thank goodness . . .
Okay, here she is. Smoosh my face into the little donut thing . . . Ahhhh. That feels sooooooo gooooooood . . . . ack, my nose itches. Just ignore it! Oh, look, I can see her shoes through the donut thing! I wonder if she’s making faces up there where I can’t see . . . I bet they do that all the time. God, I wouldn’t want to do this for a living. Imagine some of the people who come in here . . . Stinky, sweaty people. I mean, I’m sure it happens! Can you imagine, you’re just doing your thing, giving a massage, and then the person farts? And then what? You’d just have to go about your business . . .
. . . . Hmmm, I wonder if my legs are stubbly. I should have shaved today instead of yesterday . . . ahhhh, that feels nice. Drifting . . . drifting . . .
DID I JUST HEAR MYSELF SNORE?! Okay, no more drifting. She must have heard that. She’s definitely making faces now. I would be! . . . I hope the kids aren’t giving Michael too hard a time at home . . . snicker, snicker . . .
Ugh, that weird bump on my shin . . . maybe she doesn’t notice it. She definitely notices it. I’m just going to lie very, very still and not think about it . . . my stomach is rumbling. It’s that leftover meatloaf I scarfed down before I came over here. Sheesh. Shut up already! So embarrassing . . . Hmmmm . . . that wall fountain is making me feel like I need to pee . . . focus on the massage. You don’t need to pee, you don’t need to pee . . . uh oh, she’s working her way up towards my butt . . . I wonder if my underwear are dry yet . . . Just lie very still and don’t think about it . . .
I wonder how many pornos have been made with a massage-room theme. Because you just know this setting screams PORNO. I mean, if they can make pornos about doctor’s offices and pool guys, of course there’ve been pornos made about someone going to get a massage . . . Okay, stop thinking about pornos already! Geez.
. . . now the arms . . . ahhh . . . so niiiiiicccceeee . . .
Now her stomach is rumbling! I wonder what she ate . . . I wonder if she’s embarassed . . .
Ahhhh . . .
Shoulders . . . ohhhh, that feels soooo good . . . mmmmmm . . .
Oh my gosh . . . my scalp? Ohh . . . wow . . . that . . . feels . . . sooooooooo . . . gooooooooood . . . Oh my gosh . . . maybe there is a god . . . ohhhhhh . . . chills . . . yes . . . yes . . . YES . . . YES!!!
Ahhhhhhh . . . eighty minutes? That sure went fast.